souveneirs · of · better · times

I'm so melodramatic. You'd think I would've grown out of it... maybe it was all that live action sailor moon I watched the past couple years -- keeping well alive... THE DREAMS PURE OF ALL GIRLS!

..or some engrish nonsense like that.

So growing up I've met a lot of people due to the internet... and really, you don't get to know who people really are VIA IM and such. It never captures the true nature of people accurately...



But playing World of Warcraft I've spents hours talking to guildmates on voice chat... that's like... hours upon hours of phone time... only through the internet. And I think that my friends on World of warcraft may be genuinely better friends than anyone i know in real life right now. Meg, brandon, alex, jesse; although they'll probably never read this, theyre truely what's been keeping me going the past few months. I quit playing WoW for about three weeks and locked up, had several nervous break downs; Although none of them have physically been there for me in times of need, if they had the means to be, I know they would.



I don't know why I'm writing this... I think I'm just tired... but I feel I need to document this for myself at a later time... in an effort to remind myself how great people can be... and why I need to stop worrying so much about specific people and what they think...



I know I'm a good person... and I know my being on this planet is making an impact on people... all I can try to do is help them as much as they've helped me. Fuck I'm being sappy and cryptic right now... but I truely care so much about the people that know me well... whether those people be my guildmates, my ex boyfriends, or my close real life friends... I care so much about all of you...



AND JUST SO YOU KNOW~ I have -not- been drinking tonight. Im just a very emotional faggot. Hell, I think I'm even starting to have a soft spot for Infurion.

So I really need to start doing somethign productive... like painting, or fixing cars, or instigating fights between hobos and taking bets on the winner...




Ive been infused with this crazy lethargy lately, and its making it hard to do anything. I think it's because i drop all my selfworth points into boys when I like them, and if I dont get any back I have to wait a while to regenerate my persona. Which is no one's fault but my own. But in light of dwelling on darkness, I noticed how important all my internet friends are to me. That may sound pretty dorky, but I havent had a phone in months, and using voice chat to talk to my WoW friends really takes all my stress away. At this point I think meg, brandon and alex may truely be what keeps me going. Theyre all great people, even if I only know them through gaming. We all prolly know eachother better than many of our real life acquaintances.



Time for a nap... I hope I can start being my charismatic self around people again... I need attention or I wither away. :

Pretty Girls Make Graves seems to be my salvation too often... I found some songs i didnt know i had on my laptop... and the song "This is Our Emergency" seems to have resolidified my zest for life based on people... or at least brightened a wee portion of my nihilist shadow... for now.

( This is our emergency... )

I think I need anxiety medication... I havent been able to sleep the past week without drinking or taking NyQuil. And I'm becoming a fucking nihilist... if I wasn't already. I used to live for people... I don't know what I live for now... LJ-CUT rambling below...

( Manifest Destiny )

If one more med student asks me if my book store carries "Gray's Anatomy for Students" Im going to fucking freak out. Ive decided that the next person who asks me for it at work -- is going to have me tryign to suggestive sell them the miniture operation board game we have in the text department. "It's just like the clemente's dissecter, only more hands on!" D:



Im going home to f-f-f-flint town tonight -- stopping by white lake to hang out with crystal on my way. Shooould be interesting. And if I'm lucky James will have some free time to do something with me one night. If I'm lucky. rawr. If anyone wants to hang out in flint lemme know. I'll prolly be bringing molly along with me tho-



Time for a shower. Blah~

And I'd like to just say that myspace ads get sadder every day... today i got this one...






only it totally wasnt even a flash file.. just a poorly rendered jpg... all bitmapped and ugly and linked to some random adpage. glorious.

The entire summer for me has consisted of:


trying to make plans -->


looking forward to them -->


plans falling through and me remaking plans.



It's hard to find reasons to wake up every day when you know that every reason you can find is just waiting to disappear. I know its not anyone's fault; but it's really unmotivating.


I went to install flash mx today so i could do some fun internet stuff -- and found out the install i grabbed is password protected. So I have to redownload it. BUT, by tomorrow a lot of cute lil flash objects should start appearing on my myspace. Time to drug myself with some NyQuil so I can wake up tomorrow and shelf books. Ohhh exciting.



I still wear your heart around my throat...
with barely the air enough to choke.

And i cant seem to get tired tonight; and glazing over my myspace page was reminded....


NYQUIL! Oh dear god the miracle cure. I swear to god one day NyQuil will cure AID's, End World Hunger, and Exterminate the Jews.

Wow, it's always refreshing to go back and read through my old journal entries and ponder how fucking crazy bipolar i must be. HOKAY SO THIS IS IRONIC:



Today I decided I'd check on my livejournal, and while i was at it look up a mr. james' livejournal. Ironically the only post in the past like 2 months (that obviously isnt private) -- was today. Whatre the odds. I don't think I'll add him on LJ tho for the fact that



a) Im an ASCII ninja; I hide behind the 1's and 0's of the int0rn3tx0rZ. D:



and



b) I really don't know what he thinks of me; but I'm inclined to think it isn't much. And even if I'm wrong, it's better that i think that he doesn't think much of me, cause then my bipolar crazy ass wont have to sit around licking my wounds every time he's the least bit abrasive to me.



Lets summarize what's been missing since my last journal entries.




SUMMARY

My car was stolen.



The scrap of metal that was left of my car was found. They made me pay 130 dollars to turn it into a car cube.



I lost my cell phone.



I was stranded without money, phone, or car, in detroit for liek a month. With no AC and no cory to make me feel better.



Worked at McDonalds for a month cause I wasnt getting enough hours at barnes and noble... and because i needed to go somewhere that i could survive: my mom's house.



Quit mcDonalds like 3 weeks later becaaaause --> Got waaaaaaaaaay drunk and stoned at teh drive-in one night and called in explaining that:



"Just tell them umm, my plane crashed and im in the jungle searchign for my ex wife. What you dont believe me? Dude a hurricane totally just passed by me.. so yea im never coming in bye."



...really drunk and stoned...



AND I moved back to the D, i have a car again, and still have no money. School starts up again soon. thank god. No cell phone for a few more days... cant be replaced til sometime this month... hmmm...

The semester is wrapping up an my stress is dwindling down; Does everyone know what that means? Plenty of time for me to feel sorry for myself. HA HA HA! Ohhhhh yes.

So, if anyone wants to hang out -- I've been bored out of my mind, and wallowing in my loneliness like an emo kid tenderly clutching his safety-pin ridden backpack straps while swaying to the sounds of deathcab.

Sooo im on break; midterms were fine -- i took one fo them drunk. Its a wise idea NOT to have someone help you study over a gallon of sangria.

So trolls. Whatever fuckign happened to them. The lil ones witht he brightly colored stylable hair. I went all fuckign over the place today, caus ei needed to make a neon colored mustache for josh's mustache party. No luck. I dont think im going now, my pride's hurt. Like the time i went looking for a pink lawn flamingo to use as my parrot for a pirate party.. and had no luck. Fuck.

fuckfuckfuck.

Ohh well; a whole week fo freedom. :O:O:O!!!!

Man i was an emotional wreck yesterday... Now that ive cried the ceratonin out of my system im just kinda stoic.. i think im much more agreeable this way. Goign back home and thus going to be working on RO server stuff again prolly.. start work in 2 days... life is about to get busy again.

The movie Garden State is my new favorite holiday movie... esp. with beer and chocolate.

I've been really lonely.. for almost a month now... and it's finally breaking me down now... with the help of the holiday season. So if anyone talks to me and thinks im being a bitch -- im sorry -- but ive reverted to my highschool whiny crying emo self.

I'm in a great mood today... the reasoning is kind of ironic though.

This kid that plays Ragnarok Online on the server were on -- named Louis -- made a post today on the forums. We don't like louis. He used illegitimate shit on his account to level up and then bragged that he was better than everyone else -- cause he can cheat. Louis' forum post was completely uneducated and brain-dead.. and i got to point out how goddamn stupid he is. That is the source of my holiday cheer.

^_____________^

Not to mention I get to see chris in like 5 days... and school starts soon.. and my loan information came and this should be the only semester where im fucked out of money... and im excited... all around.

Merry Christmas everybody... and with a little luck -- maybe you'll find some hapless jackass to make tear into and thus make light of your holiday season as well. :O

The holiday season is really enough to bring anyone down.. and as always I've set myself on the path to christmas depression. Cory and I went out to city club tonight -- which broke my 3 day streak of cabin fever in my room. It helped a bit...

This is where i get peccemistic~

...now im tired, sweaty, and stink of cigarettes. Got home, sifted through old livejournals i havent looked at in ages. Saw that my little sister posted to nicollette that she's sorry that I'm such a douche, but she still wants to be nicollettes friend. They should hang out some time -- says she. Im glad that the one person i bought a gift for this holiday season has such high regards for me.

This post originally had a huge rant about how my sister doesnt giev a fuck about anyone.. but ive since backspaced it...

With my holiday season being so upbeat -- I havent seen chris in like 2 weeks... and no ones around to hang out with -- and i have no money to do anything -- and im in financial distress about schooling -- and my mom isnt helping me get the loans i need to pay my tuition.. and im all around fucked.

Im glad that im not the only one that has faith in my ability to land on my feet regardless of turmoil. Thank you family for leaving it up to my feline landing skillz to produce my tuition money and rent. And I have no one to talk to.. and now im stuck writing it in livejournal ... how pathetic. :/